Prologue

An Excerpt From Melisande De Saulnier’s
Hollywood Access Blog

I am always excited about attending the annual Academy Awards ceremony. There are never enough opportunities, with all of our hectic schedules, to truly take the necessary time to congratulate each other, and ourselves as artistic professionals, on the valuable work we do each and every day. I personally didn’t need the glory associated with winning such an award. In fact, I was very glad that I had not won because I wanted to give others a chance. I knew others were less secure in their artistic achievements than I, and so each year when the nominations were announced, I held my breath, hoping against hope that I would not be mentioned. Year after year, my wish came true. I was also afraid that because of the adulation already bestowed upon me by fans, that if I won too many awards, I would begin to be hated by my peers. I didn’t want my colleagues to be jealous of me. I was always on the watch for people who were aggravated by my success. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, though. I am certainly not perfect. If anyone is confused on that score, let me be perfectly frank. I have done things of which I am not proud. I have a horrible naivete when it comes to the world around me.
This night, I had a feeling that the affair would be extra special, and I was not to be disappointed. I want my fans to know me so well that it is like there is nothing to me. I want them to be able to draw the most intimate parts of my body. I want them to be able to see every emotion I experience, and feel everything I feel. Then I will be at one with them, and we will be unified. In this way, those who haven’t shared in my success will have an extra treat for their otherwise humdrum lives. This explains the outfit I decided to wear at this year’s awards ceremony. Because I want to be transparent, I decided to be brave. The outfit that I wore that year showed practically my crotch. I knew that the papers would be full of it the next day. I wondered to myself excitedly how many front pages I would be on.
I adored the looks I got from everyone as I walked the red carpet. It was my night, and everyone knew it. Some people played the game of being disgusted. We’re all actors sometimes. It was really hard to sit at the table in my ‘dress,’ but I somehow managed it. I wrote down where everyone was sitting so that I knew who to invite for lunch over the next few months and I knew I would never remember. Because I was so fashionably late on the red carpet, I didn’t have time to do anything more than write down people’s names before the show began. The first couple of presenters were kind of boring, but the third livened things up considerably. Sneaker went onstage and said, “Are we having the #$_)$((#)$)$ best night of our lives?” I instinctively gave him a standing ovation, as did everyone in the audience, for his bravery. I chuckled out loud at his courage for showing that the First Amendment is still something respected in the United States of America. “You go, Sneaker!,” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Everyone looked at me, and I revelled in every bloody second of it. Nothing excites me more than someone challenging the moronic conservative media in this country. I am so tired of unthinking people trying to take away our right to say what we need to say in order to make ourselves heard. Finally, someone believed again in free speech. Suddenly, in a panic, I realized that Sneaker’s ovation had lasted from around twenty after 9 to twenty-one minutes after 9, and twenty-five seconds. I quickly figured that since his ovation had already lasted for almost two minutes or so, I possibly would not get the longest standing ovation of the night (I was due to present later). Let me make clear that I don’t care about such things, but I wanted my fans to have the honour of seeing me enjoy such a reward, especially since I hadn’t even been nominated for an award (although I didn’t want one because I wanted others to have the chance to win). Fortunately, the excitement died down, and we got on with things. I don’t mind showing appreciation, but enough is enough. I mean, really.
I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled I was that the next presenter mentioned me personally. In what must be the largest fluke in Academy Award history, each of my supporting actresses was nominated in that area. That adorable little sprite Pamela Wessonsmith referred to this when she said, “Melisande de Saulnier received wonderful support in her latest film—which is probably a good thing, since it doesn’t look as though her dress is affording her much tonight.” No one laughed more loudly than I at this joke. It’s important to have a sense of humour in this life, especially about oneself. I turned my head and laughed in each direction so that everyone could see me. I wondered if I should stand to acknowledge the mention, but I thought if everyone stood now, I might not get an ovation later, so I remained seated.
I was so excited, however, at the mention of my name that I started hugging myself instinctively. I always do this when I am enervated. I started playing with my hair, luxuriating in how it made me feel. After about an hour of this, I found myself so sensually energized that I had to visit the ladies’ room to splash cold water on my face. This didn’t really work as playing with my hair always has a huge effect on me, and so I was forced to pop a Valium. On my way out of the washroom, I passed by Cynthia Strident. I smiled excitedly and said hello before I suddenly remembered that I hate her because she took a film role that I wanted. I turned back to say I didn’t mean the smile but she had disappeared. I headed back into the bathroom where I had to take a downer so as to steady myself. In a moment of horror, I realized that someone else might have mentioned my name while I was indisposed, and so I hurried back (not too quickly in case I excited myself again) to my chair. I asked everyone around me if anyone had mentioned me, but they all assured me that no one had.
Such was not the case for long, though. Somehow my co-star in my latest film had managed to secure for himself a nomination for Best Actor. Stream Rocco baited me on purpose, for publicity, when he thanked me in his acceptance speech for “making him look good.” He added, “Her playing was so consistently … well, consistent, that she couldn’t help but make me look good.” I knew what he meant. I am not stupid. Just because I never got further in school than Grade 5, everyone thinks I don’t understand what they mean. They refuse to take into account that I had teachers who hated me, and resented the fact that I looked so good, even at a very young age. My female teachers were threatened by my early puberty, and my male teachers were tortured because they knew they couldn’t have me until I turned 18. Stream was just mad because I wouldn’t indulge in an affair with him during the making of our movie. And my supporting actresses were so jealous of me because they all wanted him, but he wanted me more. They couldn’t begin to handle it. They thought just because they were a few years younger than I am, that they could walk all over me. Well, they were in for a major surprise. I did not get to where I am today by letting people treat me like I’m some kind of pushover. What was even worse about Stream’s speech is that he showed himself as little more than a tool of conservative propaganda. The last words he said were, “And, of course, I want to thank God, without whom I would not be here.” I was amazed that there were not outright boos at this point. I can never get over how some people take the first opportunity to prattle on about their own ideological agenda. No one wants to hear it. He is an actor, and it is not like we are in Church. Of course, I believe in God, too. How else can I explain this much talent? It had to be designed on purpose! Although, certainly the question can be raised: Where was God when the nominations were handed out? I didn’t want one, but still, the argument could easily be made that if a perfect being dictated everything in our lives, why didn’t I receive a nomination for my best performance yet? These are the questions with which I struggle, because of the philosophical in my nature. I am more than just an unenhanced, beautiful face!

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