Melisande’s Lingerie Closet
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An Excerpt From Melisande De Saulnier’s Hollywood Access Blog
I am always excited about attending the annual Academy Awards ceremony. There
are never enough opportunities, with all of our hectic schedules, to truly take the
necessary time to congratulate each other, and ourselves as artistic professionals, on the
valuable work we do each and every day. I personally didn’t need the glory associated
with winning such an award. In fact, I was very glad that I had not won because I wanted
to give others a chance. I knew others were less secure in their artistic achievements than
I, and so each year when the nominations were announced, I held my breath, hoping
against hope that I would not be mentioned. Year after year, my wish came true. I was
also afraid that because of the adulation already bestowed upon me by fans, that if I won
too many awards, I would begin to be hated by my peers. I didn’t want my colleagues to
be jealous of me. I was always on the watch for people who were aggravated by my
success. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, though. I am certainly not perfect. If
anyone is confused on that score, let me be perfectly frank. I have done things of which I
am not proud. I have a horrible naivete when it comes to the world around me.
This night, I had a feeling that the affair would be extra special, and I was not to
be disappointed. I want my fans to know me so well that it is like there is nothing to me. I
want them to be able to draw the most intimate parts of my body. I want them to be able
to see every emotion I experience, and feel everything I feel. Then I will be at one with
them, and we will be unified. In this way, those who haven’t shared in my success will
have an extra treat for their otherwise humdrum lives. This explains the outfit I decided to
wear at this year’s awards ceremony. Because I want to be transparent, I decided to be
brave. The outfit that I wore that year showed practically my crotch. I knew that the
papers would be full of it the next day. I wondered to myself excitedly how many front
pages I would be on.
I adored the looks I got from everyone as I walked the red carpet. It was my night,
and everyone knew it. Some people played the game of being disgusted. We’re all actors
sometimes. It was really hard to sit at the table in my ‘dress,’ but I somehow managed it.
I wrote down where everyone was sitting so that I knew who to invite for lunch over the
next few months and I knew I would never remember. Because I was so fashionably late
on the red carpet, I didn’t have time to do anything more than write down people’s names
before the show began. The first couple of presenters were kind of boring, but the third
livened things up considerably. Sneaker went onstage and said, “Are we having the #$_)$
((#)$)$ best night of our lives?” I instinctively gave him a standing ovation, as did
everyone in the audience, for his bravery. I chuckled out loud at his courage for showing
that the First Amendment is still something respected in the United States of America.
“You go, Sneaker!,” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Everyone looked at me, and I
revelled in every bloody second of it. Nothing excites me more than someone challenging
the moronic conservative media in this country. I am so tired of unthinking people trying
to take away our right to say what we need to say in order to make ourselves heard.
Finally, someone believed again in free speech. Suddenly, in a panic, I realized that
Sneaker’s ovation had lasted from around twenty after 9 to twenty-one minutes after 9,
and twenty-five seconds. I quickly figured that since his ovation had already lasted for
almost two minutes or so, I possibly would not get the longest standing ovation of the
night (I was due to present later). Let me make clear that I don’t care about such things,
but I wanted my fans to have the honour of seeing me enjoy such a reward, especially
since I hadn’t even been nominated for an award (although I didn’t want one because I
wanted others to have the chance to win). Fortunately, the excitement died down, and we
got on with things. I don’t mind showing appreciation, but enough is enough. I mean,
I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled I was that the next presenter
mentioned me personally. In what must be the largest fluke in Academy Award history,
each of my supporting actresses was nominated in that area. That adorable little sprite
Pamela Wessonsmith referred to this when she said, “Melisande de Saulnier received
wonderful support in her latest film—which is probably a good thing, since it doesn’t
look as though her dress is affording her much tonight.” No one laughed more loudly
than I at this joke. It’s important to have a sense of humour in this life, especially about
oneself. I turned my head and laughed in each direction so that everyone could see me. I
wondered if I should stand to acknowledge the mention, but I thought if everyone stood
now, I might not get an ovation later, so I remained seated.
I was so excited, however, at the mention of my name that I started hugging
myself instinctively. I always do this when I am enervated. I started playing with my hair,
luxuriating in how it made me feel. After about an hour of this, I found myself so
sensually energized that I had to visit the ladies’ room to splash cold water on my face.
This didn’t really work as playing with my hair always has a huge effect on me, and so I
was forced to pop a Valium. On my way out of the washroom, I passed by Cynthia
Strident. I smiled excitedly and said hello before I suddenly remembered that I hate her
because she took a film role that I wanted. I turned back to say I didn’t mean the smile
but she had disappeared. I headed back into the bathroom where I had to take a downer so
as to steady myself. In a moment of horror, I realized that someone else might have
mentioned my name while I was indisposed, and so I hurried back (not too quickly in
case I excited myself again) to my chair. I asked everyone around me if anyone had
mentioned me, but they all assured me that no one had.
Such was not the case for long, though. Somehow my co-star in my latest film
had managed to secure for himself a nomination for Best Actor. Stream Rocco baited me
on purpose, for publicity, when he thanked me in his acceptance speech for “making him
look good.” He added, “Her playing was so consistently … well, consistent, that she
couldn’t help but make me look good.” I knew what he meant. I am not stupid. Just
because I never got further in school than Grade 5, everyone thinks I don’t understand
what they mean. They refuse to take into account that I had teachers who hated me, and
resented the fact that I looked so good, even at a very young age. My female teachers
were threatened by my early puberty, and my male teachers were tortured because they
knew they couldn’t have me until I turned 18. Stream was just mad because I wouldn’t
indulge in an affair with him during the making of our movie. And my supporting
actresses were so jealous of me because they all wanted him, but he wanted me more.
They couldn’t begin to handle it. They thought just because they were a few years
younger than I am, that they could walk all over me. Well, they were in for a major
surprise. I did not get to where I am today by letting people treat me like I’m some kind
of pushover. What was even worse about Stream’s speech is that he showed himself as
little more than a tool of conservative propaganda. The last words he said were, “And, of
course, I want to thank God, without whom I would not be here.” I was amazed that there
were not outright boos at this point. I can never get over how some people take the first
opportunity to prattle on about their own ideological agenda. No one wants to hear it. He
is an actor, and it is not like we are in Church. Of course, I believe in God, too. How else
can I explain this much talent? It had to be designed on purpose! Although, certainly the
question can be raised: Where was God when the nominations were handed out? I didn’t
want one, but still, the argument could easily be made that if a perfect being dictated
everything in our lives, why didn’t I receive a nomination for my best performance yet?
These are the questions with which I struggle, because of the philosophical in my nature.
I am more than just an unenhanced, beautiful face!
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