It’s Natal Day again! This is the day when all of the sailors in Nova Scotia present themselves to me, so that I may select which one I want to date for the upcoming year. Sailors do anything to try to please me on this annual, non-statutory holiday. They write poems for me. They speak Jaclynese for the entire day. They perform daring feats involving impressive displays of masculine power for me. They beat up other men so that I can see how strong they are. They scathingly dismiss beautiful women who throw themselves at them. Poor, sad, beautiful women! There is currently a movement, begun in the highest echelons of government, to rename the holiday Jaclyn’s day but modesty forbids me to allow this to happen.
If you are a sailor, and are interested in being considered for docking in my port for the 2012-2013 calendar year, please write a paragraph explaining why you are the most suitable candidate. Please do not send any pictures of an inappropriate nature. Of course, I have no way of knowing if they are inappropriate or not, so they will unfortunately be opened. And I will examine such pictures carefully until the identity of the pervert is disclosed. If you would like to impress me, the best thing to do is to write something creative, something that outlines very clearly why I should select you to be my captain for the upcoming year. Poems are fine, especially if they rhyme, but prose will always be preferred. If you can use your semi-colons in an impressive way, I will be your slave forever.
In past years, men have pretended to be sailors for the sole purpose of insinuating themselves into my social life. Such duplicity will be rewarded with no more than 3 dates with me. I have to take a strong stand on this, or else I will be inundated with requests from gorgeous men, each telling more lies in order to hold sway with me.
Happy Natal Day, everyone!